If you want to know how I feel right now, take this journey with me. I think it’s a path we are all on, at some point in our lives. Close your eyes and imagine yourself standing in a dirty, unpaved street that’s mostly populated with retired people – always at home – who no doubt see what a mess you are. You and your old glasses, greasy-nosed, unwashed-slightly-white-hair head have just gracelessly slipped into the mud. You are dizzy, and also feeling very pudgy (and you silently for the 237th time resolve to disabuse the entire world of the notion that breastfeeding produces pregnancy weight loss). Then just as you begin to pull your achy self out, a big smelly diesel truck drives by, splattering grimy mud on your already messy clothing while someone hands you 20 pounds of extra weight around your belly while your baby screams and you consider that even as dirty as you are, it will hardly make a difference to your already grimy floors.
That night you lay in bed and review the day’s emotions, the week’s emotions, the year’s emotions, the astounding plethora of greasy hair, etc. And you realize that actually, for years you have lacked stability. Because before children, there was a new marriage. Before that and after that, moving, before that, moving, a job change or two, and then before that, moving. (I am dizzy just from, re-reading that sentence.) Additionally, your friendships have changed, your nuclear family has grown, shrunk, and changed. Living situations, friends, health. All of it is constantly in flux. There is not one ounce of stability in my life; and I am a very practical, perceptive person; and I don’t envision stability ensuing any time soon.
Okay, now you can open your eyes.
In short, lately I’ve been struggling to be hopeful and feel stable, which is really just another word for peaceful. But the good news is that I am struggling! That is to say: on the other side of how chaotic I feel, there is the truth, which is that I am not lost. I am wobbly, but not fallen. Any stability I have, and my hope, is in the Lord. He is my one constant. He really has been with me through it all, and he still is with me. Just like all relationships, ours grows, changes, ebbs, flows. But he is with me and my feat stand firm in that knowledge.
I hope you don’t worry about me. I worry a lot less now that I think of my state of affairs as “wobbly stability”. With Christ’s presence, I am less out of control than I tend to think. I think the enemy really loves to knock me off balance. All. The. Time. And not so much with the actual physical happenings such as moves and illnesses, but with my reaction – that of chaos – to them. I have heard many times from folks more wise than me that when we experience opposition, it can mean that we are actually in a good place with the Lord, and serving him well. Otherwise, what is the enemy opposing? I’ve been thinking lately about radical discipleship, and I believe that re-committing my daily trials to the Lord, and letting him be Lord of them, is my current calling.
From the sublime to the practical: does anyone know anything about persistent, low grade fevers in adults? I’ve had fevers in the 99.1-100.4 range for much of the last 5 weeks. Lyme’s disease and UTI tests came back negative, and I am waiting for results of tests for rheumatological conditions, thyroid problems, and a couple of common viruses. Is there anything else you know of that could cause such low, but steady, fevers?
Let the Interwebs speak!