We’re attending a family wedding soon (which I am super excited about!), but I had the sudden realization last week that I have nothing to wear. Here, I’ll prove it. “Let’s do the numbers”, as they say on the radio: after 7 years of trying to loose weight, 4 years of marriage, 2 pregnancies, 2 twelve-ish month periods of nursing a wee babe, 3ish diets, 1 gym membership, 562 bad clothing purchases, 24 excellent shoe purchases (because any shoe purchase is, by definition, good), 5 bins of clothing that may never fit again, 1 walk-in closet of clothing that fits poorly, and, and, and, … and 3 “ands” worth of not even knowing what to say or how to act or what to wear for 5 years, I have concluded that loosing weight is a myth. Furthermore, it’s a disease of our minds whose symptoms include vain hopes and 3 years of buying poor quality,”temporary” clothing until “I loose weight again and can get back to the clothes I wore when I was 25, which was 10 years ago but not in MC years. In MC years that’s, like, 2 months. So it’s totally worth it to wait to wear real clothing until then.”
But, as I said, this is a hoax. So I took my pludgey self off to Herbergers yesterday to find try on 24 dresses. Here’s one result, and also proof that the whole weight loss thing is a hoax:
(I took this picture for my sisters so that they would feel sorry for me. Actually I thought it was pitifully funny how bad a fit was this lovely dress.)
The deluge of thoughts I just subjected you to got worse when I looked at myself in the mirror wearing the jeans that are supposed to contain some of that pludge. Inexplicably, even though the current diet I am on has been going well, I looked worse than before I started. Walking through the mall, you would have seen a super self-conscious, harried lady who kept tugging at either side of her slimming cardigan to cover up what the jeans had failed to cover.
In the light of day this morning, after a quick prayer time and before grabbing the kids from cribs to go see family, I thought, ‘maybe the jeans just aren’t fitting correctly. Maybe they held me in less because they are looser, not tighter.’ And wouldn’t you know, I weighed in less than 2 weeks ago (or whenever it was that the horror of weighing myself resolved me to cease and desist from such a discouraging activity).
So, I learned something. Not sure exactly how to succinctly describe it…but let’s just say that dragging our mental selves through the sludge, whether we are actually pludgey or not, is futile. Not only that, our conclusions are probably incorrect. How I view myself, especially in the context of judging how other people view me, is probably wrong. Even though there may occasionally be a grain of truth in it, I can’t bank on it. What I’m going to bank on, instead, is daily talking to Jesus about exactly how it’s going. What thoughts I was having yesterday, what exactly he and I think I should do next in the office to make room for the elliptical machine, etc.
Happy weekend everyone! I’m off to buy more veggies.
Miss Mary Clare