they don’t mean anything by it

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Socks in my pockets, socks in my diaper bag, socks scattered all over my house.  Socks anywhere but my baby’s feet.  Colder weather has begun, and I can no longer ignore the fact that my daughter’s bare feet will be cold when we go outside.  Alas, I also cannot control the fact that my daughter’s feet will be bare, and cold, when we go outside.  Babies take socks off; it’s a fact of life.  Yes, you can complicate it for the kiddo by putting shoes on her too, but a determined baby will usually figure out how to pull off her shoes as well.  Such is life.  It doesn’t bother me.

But it does seem to bother all the old ladies at the grocery store.

“Oooh, look at your little cold feet!”

“Oh my goodness, no socks?”

“Aww, look at your little piggies, aren’t you cold?”

I grit my teeth when the grandmothers of the world begin these conversations.  It always seems like they are passing judgement on my fitness to be a parent, and it always puts me on the defensive.  Babies always take their socks off.  You put them back on again, they take them back off again.  Most of these women have raised children – don’t they remember?

The state of my daughter’s feet has begun to be dependent not on the weather, but on the likelihood that someone will see her and comment on her poor cold little feet.  If we’re going to playgroup (where nobody will care), or to pick up her older sister at preschool (where nobody will see her in the car), I don’t bother to put socks on her.  If we’re going for a walk around the block, I definitely won’t put socks on her, because she’ll take them off and drop them on the sidewalk, never to be found again.  But the grocery store?  Definitely socks.  Except I’ll often take her outside barefoot and then put socks on her in the lobby of the grocery store, so as to maximize the amount of time in the grocery store that she will actually still have the socks on her feet.

Sometimes when a bystander comments on the barefoot babe, I’ll whip the socks out of my coat pocket to show them.  “Oh yeah, she had socks on, she just took them off a moment ago, of course I’ll put them back on her before we go outside.”  Other times I will just try to nod and smile or shrug to quietly communicate, “Yup, what can you do?”  And sometimes I’ll smile distractedly while intently surveying the bottles of salad dressing in front of me, in hopes that I won’t actually need to respond.

I came home from a grocery trip a few weeks ago completely flustered by one of these conversations.  The baby and the two-year-old had both been fussing throughout the trip, so by the end of it I was completely drained.  The bystander commentary (a grandpa this time) came 40 minutes into the trip, and it felt like an assault on my character.  But as I relayed the story later to my husband, I finally realized, he didn’t mean anything by it.

None of them ever mean anything by it.

Really – they literally don’t mean anything by it.

It is not a premeditated conversation.  None of these little old ladies are thinking to themselves, “I’d better set that mom straight.  She’s not taking good enough care of her children.”  They’re not even thinking, “She must not realize how cold it is!  I’ll just give her a gentle reminder.”  Instead, “poor little cold feet” is really on par with “Cold enough for you?” or on a rainy day, “Sure is wet out there!”  These little old ladies are not seeking to engage me in conversation about the care of my children.  It’s much more innocent:

They are drawn to my children.

And they simply want to connect.

They are reaching out, with just the first words that come to mind, because they actually love the sight of my beautiful babies.  They loved raising their own babies and it makes them smile to see mine.  If I stop listening and look instead, I’ll see that these grandmothers of the world are usually smiling as they’re looking at my kiddos – not frowning at their bare feet.

It’s still hard, because I often do need to respond, and what do I say?  I have yet to come up with the perfect response; I’m still not sure how to avoid becoming defensive.  But here’s hoping that I can remember, the next time, she doesn’t mean anything by it.  She literally doesn’t mean anything.

 

What Should I Do With My Time Today?

I’m currently reading a book my mom gifted me called Graced and Gifted: Biblical Wisdom for the Homemaker’s Heart.  It is by Kimberly Hahn.  In her chapter on time management she writes that she reminds herself each day that:

“There is all the time I need today to do God’s will today.” – Kimberly Hahn

What this means to me is that instead of being overwhelmed with the realization that I don’t have time for everything, I instead must begin with grounding my thoughts in prayerful trust.  This is baby steps for me at this point, because my thought patterns are typically going wild with anxiety about the day ahead.  Yesterday, I tried to begin the day with the Lord in simple prayer and then trusted that He would guide my decisions about how to use my time.  What it meant yesterday was sticking to the plans I had made on the calendar instead of second guessing myself.  The day went smoother, and I felt like I had more peace even though the same routine tasks still had to get done.  My time seemed to multiply because I spent less of it worrying about what to do.

 

oatmeal pancakes

Today I thought I would share with you our all-time favorite Sunday brunch recipe.  This recipe comes first from Kim Boyce’s cookbook Good to the Grain, but we found it several years ago on Smitten Kitchen.  I have a number of tricks & strategies to streamline the recipe, so instead of just linking up to SK, I’m going to write out my adaptation here.  I’ll also include instructions for making them into pumpkin pancakes, and I’ll also write out a double recipe, which generously serves our family of five on Sunday, with plenty of leftovers for (more reasonable portions of) breakfast Monday morning.

Oatmeal Pancakes

makes about 15 pancakes

adapted from Smitten Kitchen, who adapted it slightly from Good to the Grain

  • 1/2 cup old-fashioned oats
  • 1 cup water
  • 3 Tbsp unsalted butter
  • 1 Tbsp honey or molasses
  • 1 cup old-fashioned oats
  • 1 cup all-purpose flour
  • 2 Tbsp sugar
  • 2 tsp baking powder
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 2 large eggs
  • 1 1/4 cups whole milk

 

Make oatmeal: combine 1/2 cup oats and 1 cup water in a small saucepan.  Place over medium heat and simmer until cooked.  While oatmeal is cooking, prepare your dry ingredients, but keep an eye on the oatmeal.  As soon as it’s cooked, add the butter and the honey.  Stir until melted and combined.  Remove from heat and set aside.

Dry ingredients: Using a coffee grinder (ideal) or blender, grind 1 cup oats into oat flour.  In a medium bowl, combine oat flour with white flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt.  Whisk until thoroughly combined.

Wet ingredients:  Beat eggs just slightly in a large bowl.  Add milk and whisk until combined.  Pour oatmeal mixture in and whisk again.

Put it all together:  Fold the dry ingredients into the large bowl very gently, with a spatula, until all dry ingredients are moistened.  Avoid over-mixing.

Make your pancakes:  Use about 1/4 cup of batter for each pancake; cook on a griddle at 325 degrees, or in a pan with melted butter over medium heat.

(Click over to Smitten Kitchen to see more tips/ideas on the actual cooking of the pancakes.  She gives the original author’s instructions in the recipe, and also has her own post on general pancake tips.)

Serve with syrup, but they’re also quite good without anything on them.  Leftovers reheat well in microwave or toaster.

Do ahead:  to have pancakes as soon as possible after church, do anything or everything up to “put it all together” before you go to church, then finish the batter when you get home.

Make them pumpkin: add 1/2 cup pumpkin to the wet ingredients and 1 Tbsp pumpkin spice to the dry ingredients. Our blend is one teaspoon each of cinnamon, nutmeg, and allspice.  We like them pretty spiced, so some of you may want to use less.

 

Double Recipe Oatmeal Pancakes

makes about 30 pancakes

adapted from Smitten Kitchen, who adapted it slightly from Good to the Grain

  • 1 cup old-fashioned oats
  • 2 cups water
  • 6 Tbsp unsalted butter
  • 2 Tbsp honey or molasses
  • 2 cups old-fashioned oats
  • 2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1/4 cup sugar
  • 4 tsp baking powder
  • 1 tsp salt
  • 4 large eggs
  • 2 1/2 cups whole milk

Make oatmeal: combine 1 cup oats and 2 cups water in a small saucepan.  Place over medium heat and simmer until cooked.  While oatmeal is cooking, prepare your dry ingredients, but keep an eye on the oatmeal.  As soon as it’s cooked, add the butter and the honey.  Stir until melted and combined.  Remove from heat and set aside.

Dry ingredients: Using a coffee grinder (ideal) or blender, grind 2 cups oats into oat flour.  In a medium bowl, combine oat flour with white flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt.  Whisk until thoroughly combined.

Wet ingredients:  Beat eggs just slightly in a large bowl.  Add milk and whisk until combined.  Pour oatmeal mixture in and whisk again.

Put it all together:  Fold the dry ingredients into the large bowl very gently, with a spatula, until all dry ingredients are moistened.  Avoid over-mixing.

Make your pancakes:  Use about 1/4 cup of batter for each pancake; cook on a griddle at 325 degrees, or in a pan with melted butter over medium heat.

(Click over to Smitten Kitchen to see more tips/ideas on the actual cooking of the pancakes.  She gives the original author’s instructions in the recipe, and also has her own post on general pancake tips.)

Serve with syrup, but they’re also quite good without anything on them.  Leftovers reheat well in microwave or toaster.

Do ahead:  to have pancakes as soon as possible after church, do anything or everything up to “put it all together” before you go to church, then finish the batter when you get home.

Make them pumpkin: add 1 cup pumpkin to the wet ingredients and 2 Tbsp pumpkin spice to the dry ingredients.  Our blend is two teaspoons each of cinnamon, nutmeg, and allspice.  We like them pretty spiced, so some of you may want to use less.

staying stay-at-home

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When I decided six years ago to stay at home with my kids, it wasn’t really a soul-searching decision.  I simply liked the idea of staying at home, and my husband liked it too, and we were financially able to do it, and that was that.  I loved my work at the homeless shelter, but after eight years of it, I was ready for a break.  Dropping out of the working world to raise kids and make a home sounded like a pretty sweet job.

If you’ve been reading this blog for awhile, you already know that my transition to motherhood was a hard one, and that I’ve struggled with doubts about my role as a stay-at-home mom.  Even when I’ve recognized the enemy lying to me, I haven’t been able to get rid of the nagging thought that maybe I shouldn’t actually be a stay-at-home mom.  Honestly, it is exhausting to think and doubt and wonder about it all the time!  But just in the past week, two things have happened that have finally brought me some peace.

The first is that I happened upon the journal Humanum, specifically their issue on the theme “A Mother’s Work.”  In one essay there (“A Mother’s Work is Never Done”), the author reflects on what families stand to lose when both parents work full-time:

… it becomes a home with nobody home, where very little happens among those who sleep there, much less with their friends and neighbors. There is no nursing a baby (in the well-appointed nursery), no taking walks to the park, no witnessing first steps (which happen at the “wrong time”), no informal neighborhood clubs after school, no gathering of teenage friends under watchful eyes, no real cooking (in the gourmet kitchen), no dinners with friends (in the non-existent dining rooms), no neighborly charity for sick friends or new mothers. In short there is no time together.

Please understand me here – I know many working moms whose families, and homes, are so, so full of life.  I’m not sharing this excerpt to say that all moms should stay at home, but rather because the author articulates, in a way I’ve never been able to, what good things staying at home can achieve.  I can’t speak for any other mom’s skills, abilities, desires, or aims, but I know that staying at home is what enables me to make a home where life can happen.  I, personally, could not have this kind of home if I were also working.

A second epiphany happened at a women’s retreat this weekend when a dear sister – a mother of three grown children – shared about having served at People of Praise summer camp for many years.  Since her children were there, and since she was a teacher with the summer off, it made sense for her to be there; but every year, she would thoughtfully and prayerfully discern whether she should volunteer for camp again.  Eventually she heard the Lord telling her, “You know, you spend a lot of time thinking about whether you should do camp.  You should assume that I want you here until I tell you otherwise!”

When I heard that story, I finally realized – I don’t need to keep asking whether I should be a stay-at-home mom.  I can rely on the Lord to let me know if He is calling me to something else!  In all my moments of doubt, I’ve never actually felt that the Lord had something different in mind for me.  All I had was doubt.  And while I recognized the enemy’s lies, I allowed the doubt to remain.  But no longer.  This doubt is not of the Lord and I’m going to stop letting it distract me from my work.

For now, until the Lord tells me otherwise, I am going to stay a stay-at-home-mom.  I’m going to embrace it, enjoy it, and work on getting better at it.  Thank you Lord!

dirty diapers happen

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I used to groan at the thought of changing my daughter’s dirty diaper.  To be fair, my oldest was exceptionally difficult to change – now that I have three kids I’m allowed to say that, right?  Any diaper change was terrible, but dirty ones were the worst, so when I saw that face or smelled something stinky, I automatically got into a bad mood.  I hated it, I didn’t want to do it, but I had to do it.

But … you know what?  Dirty diapers happen.  They are going to happen … regularly.  (Ha!)  At some point I realized, if I need to do this several times a day, I should figure out how to do it without getting into a bad mood.  Because if a dirty diaper ruins my day, I am going to have nothing but bad days.

During the worst days of diaper-changing, it helped me to sing a praise & worship song while changing the diaper.  (“All Your Promises.”  Always the same song so that I didn’t have to think of one.)  I sang it loudly to drown out my screaming daughter and keep myself from getting too irritated.  It helped … and eventually she got older and potty-trained, and my two younger ones have been easier to change.

But sometimes I still need to remind myself.  I’ll sit down with a hot cup of coffee, and then my baby girl will come crawling over with a big smile and a pungent aroma, and I just need to take a deep breath and remind myself … dirty diapers happen.

Frumpy Friday Summary

Door county welcomed us magnificently last week. Can you spot the moon? It appeared triple in size, so the photo doesn’t translate fully, but is still lovely, I feel. Honey lost his job the day before we took this planned vacation (his new company appears to be trimming after a merger). I am weighing supporting the family and serving the Lord (at least a little bit), by doing some work outside the home. Apparently, women for centuries and in cultures all over the world have contributed to economic needs. Whether this is God’s will for our specific family at this specific time is a major question. It would be so much easier if I had planted a bigger garden! Then, I would be canning veggies right now, and BOOM, economic contribution would be in the bag, er, jar.😉

Little man explores his newly-lengthened pj’s. I found a relatively simple, DIY way to extend the life of footy pajamas by cutting them near the feet and inserting a new swatch of fabric. It’s something of a hack job, and when I accidentally put the first couple of seams on the outside instead of in, it became more so. : D Oh,well! The net effect is the same, and so much better than spending an abominable amount of time with a seam ripper.

The art on the wall is cut cardboard and paint. Wow! So simple, so effective. It did a lot for the medical waiting room that we were in a few days back. Again, the picture doesn’t do it justice.

We did plant a few rows of carrots. Not only did these two come up white, but check out the one on the right! The weave of the stems was intricate and lovely, just like our Lord’s quiet plan for us. I know he holds us in the inner palm of his hand, and so why, then, shall I worry about money?

God love you,

MC

designing our days

Eight AM.  The day stretches out before me.  Meals to make, diapers to change, naps to manage, but – the rest is up to me.  Ten hours until my husband gets home for dinner; how will we fill them?  It’s up to me to decide.

It’s a blessing and a burden, you know?  The freedom is amazing.  We’re having gorgeous Indian-summer days right now, and I am completely free to take the girls out for a walk or over to the zoo, pretty much whenever I want.  But the freedom can also be overwhelming.  When I begin a gray, overcast day with too much laundry and housework to do and not enough sleep to make the dozens of decisions that will be required of me, I often find myself paralyzed.

Several months ago I opened up a book I had borrowed years before but never read.  A Mother’s Rule of Life: How to Bring Order to Your Home and Peace to Your Soul.  Order to my home and peace to my soul?  That’s a pretty big claim.  But the author’s purpose is to provide a method for answering that never-ending question of mine, what are we going to do today.  So I decided to give it a try.

The author, Holly Pierlot, recommends forming a “rule” for home and family life, just as religious orders form rules.  Think and pray about what God has called you to, in five areas: your personal needs, your prayer life, and your roles as wife, mother, and homemaker.  What needs to happen in each of those areas, for you to be living the life God has called you to right now?  Now take a good, hard look at your daily life and decide when you will do the things you need to do.

Pierlot notes that it will probably take quite awhile to hammer out your ideal rule, and that’s definitely been my experience so far.  After reading the book I sat down to think, pray, and start drafting a schedule that would reflect my priorities.  And I successfully scheduled … about the first two hours of my day.  Ha!  One obstacle for me is that my children’s needs – especially the baby’s – change frequently, and my daily schedule has to reflect that.  At different times, the baby has been sleeping through the night, or getting up twice; nursing first thing in the morning, or not until she goes down for her morning nap; napping from 8 AM until 9, or from 9 until 11:00.  All of those changes impact my morning schedule drastically.

But even though I have yet to figure out a complete and final schedule for my family, the exercise has been helpful to me.   I’ve started to see more clearly how to figure out each day’s schedule.  Here are a few of the things I have picked up on:

  • I really, truly love routine.  I started doing my kids’ laundry ever Monday, in order to avoid my oldest daughter constantly asking “When are you going to do my laundry?” whenever her favorite dress wasn’t clean.  I also started making baked oatmeal every Monday.  Putting those two jobs together with all my daily tasks (remember, my daily life is a full-time job), I don’t have much time left for any other chores.  So every Monday, I know exactly what I need to do, and it is amazing.
    • (I also recently had an epiphany that I can vacuum the upstairs, and clean the upstairs bathroom, every two weeks while my husband goes shopping with the kids at Costco.  Soon I hope to sort out some of my other chores and assign them a day too.  I don’t know whether it will work to assign them arbitrarily, so that’s why I haven’t done it yet; I’m hoping I’ll have a few more epiphanies!)
  • Thinking about days (or parts of days) that haven’t gone well is a great way to figure out what to do (or not to do) in the future.  I had a number of really tough afternoons with the kids, where I tried to cook or do housework, and got interrupted an absurd number of times; finally I realized the kids need me more in the afternoons so I just need to schedule housework & cooking for the mornings.  I can’t always make that work, but it’s becoming more of the norm.  Some afternoons my kids are feeling pretty peaceful and playing with each other without my help, and I can get one or two small things done, but it helps if I’m not counting on it.
    • (I also realized that afternoons on Maggie’s preschool days were the worst.  So I’ve committed even more seriously to being free & available to the kids on those afternoons.  We usually go out to the zoo or a playground now, rather than coming home after preschool pickup.)
  • I also need to think about and respect my own needs.  It’s tempting to schedule a ton of work for naptime, but even when I don’t need a nap myself, I still tend to need rest during that time.  One thing that has worked well has been to finish a load of laundry during the morning so that during naptime I can put on a show (currently watching this one) and just sit down to fold laundry.
  • Deciding when to have prayer time, and what kind of prayer to include, has been the hardest part of the project.  It still works well to read my devotional while nursing the baby, but I need to add some more prayer to my day and I just don’t know what or when.  I also need to get back into the habit of having prayer time with the girls, but I haven’t found the best time for that either.

I hope to share more about this with y’all in the months to come.  In the meantime I would love to hear any tips or tricks that have worked for you in planning out your days!

Perfect Prayer

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Yesterday, I hustled the kids outside for a walk before dinner time, all the while checking my watch and calculating how long it would take to heat leftovers, for how long we could therefore walk, and whether I could somehow successfully avoid parks, the cemetary, and hills. (I knew we didn’t have time to play at a park or the cemetery. I knew I lacked the fortitude for hills. Tell me you know what I mean! I’m not the only one, right? Right?)

Anywho, Surprisingly, one child was really having a hard time with this particular walk. There was lots of whining, and this is highly unusual, so we headed early for home, and I got busy raking pine needles. They have blanketed our entire yard in this lovely buttery-apricot color. Despite the unpleasant whining, I wasn’t going to waste the time we took getting ready to go out for one measly little turn about two hill-less blocks! Little man got out of the stroller and began exploring. My daughter stayed in.

Eventually, she got interested enough to climb out and grab a stick, so as to imitate Mommy raking. The two of them made up some games involving sticks. No-ones’ eye was poked out. And eventually, we had to go back inside to start microwaving things for Weft-over Wednesday, as I like to dub our mid-week dinner.😉

I’m getting to the point: when Daddy got home, somehow, instead of everyone else ending up banished from the madhouse of my kitchen so that I can scurry around, Daddy and little man ended up squarely in the middle, Joshy in his arms. Our two year old is normally less cuddly at this time of day. It’s all about running around, and trains. But yesterday, around the time I was turning from the sink towards the microwave for round 3 of dinner prep, I catch Joshy spontaneously saying to daddy, “I had a weally good time outside today.”

And it just really caught my attention and my heart. It came unbidden out of the sweet mouth of a goofy kid who we like to call “Mr. Pleasant”. He wanted to share with his daddy that he ‘had a weally good time outside today’. That’s all he said, and it might sound trivial or ordinary, but it looked and sounded just like prayer to me. A son, secure in his father’s arms, shared with his father something that mattered to him. His Daddy was there to and listen and to get an idea of the what makes up the being of this kid. And sharing that all with his Daddy is just exactly what mattered to this boy at the time. It was a moment when the two seemed as one.

Now, does this mean I had a similarly revealing talk with my heavenly father this morning in prayer? Not remotely! I somehow managed to distract myself, even with the loveliest of examples before me. Still, I want to record it for posterity. Eventually, that freedom and giving has gotta have some seapage effect on this busy mama. Right? Right!? Well, anyways, until I can learn to pray well through osmosis, I am thinking seriously about doing meditations on the life of Jesus, in order to get to know him better and get to a place where we can talk as close friends. The German side of me is really struggling with the logistics, considering that I will need to find a solid hour (after making coffee) during which the house is quiet and the soul is willing.

Are there any other moms out there who pray for an hour plus? How do you do it? Is it even possible? I need any and all ideas. Thank you!

MMC

 

The Danger of {over} Psychologizing, Part 1

wp_20160902_013So, the thing is, we are human. (Just call me Captain Obvious!) We are physical, emotional, psychological beings who have loves, tastes, capabilities, weaknesses, and commitments. We also have work and accomplishments (the work of our hands), bodies, a thought life, homes, relationships, and a million other things that make up our selves and our days. Oh, and then there’s God. We have a heavenly Father who sent his Son as a human, just like us (I mean, as us. As in, he’s really a human. A real one. Who gets earthy and gross and has a definable personality. But, I digress), to  do a big work and to get us loving and working with him through the power of the Holy Spirit. wp_20160826_009When someone asks me “how are you”, I blubber around, trying to find a way to express a cohesive answer. I rarely want to express how I am right now, or even how I’ve been over a long period. It’s like I think the answer requires computation: take an average, starting from when I last saw them, until now, of “how I’ve been“. Then, boil it down into either “fine”, “great!”, or “bad”. Huh? Hence, the blubbering.

It seems to me that it is most often asked in order to get at my psychological state.  And, don’t get me wrong, psychology matters. But you know, I’m pretty sure it’s not the only thing that matters. When I see a dear friend who hasn’t been with me all day (ie: most of you, and my husband), what they really want to know is the state of me, as a Spirit filled human, and this encompasses much more than my psychological state of “ok”,”well”, “bad”, “annoyed”, “bitter-over-the-past”, “frazzled”, “angry-that-naps were-sub-par”, etc. wp_20160909_007

When Honey comes home from work and everything and everyone is a big, huge, tired mess, and dinner isn’t ready, I can honestly answer the question “How are you?” with, “HORRIBLE!” In the moment (actually, I admit, for at least an hour), it’s my psychological reality. I feel horrible. But that’s not all of reality! I mean, come on! Let’s look at the whole picture. We haven’t seen each other all day. I could mention an interesting thought that I had in prayer that morning. I could share an adorable video that I took of the kids. Heck, this would be awesome: I could simply hug the guy. And here’s the other end of the spectrum: I could reach way back in memory and say that 3 hours ago, I cleaned the toilet and was tickled pink over the accomplishment. I could thank him for taking out the trash without being asked. I could ask him how they are solving that one problem at work. Sometimes, I say something like “I don’t know how I am, but are we free on Saturday morning to help the Smiths move?”

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In conclusion, I want to say that I am currently quite frazzled, have almost cried 4 times today, and feeling very over committed. However, what I scheduled for this time is to de-clutter the basement, and, if possible, clean the bathroom. So, THAT is how I am doing. Right now. How I am doing is what I am doing.

Amen!

Love, MMC